The following set of evacuation procedures has been developed specifically for rAge so as to minimise human casualties in the event of an alien invasion. These procedures are listed below and you are encouraged to familiarise yourself with all of them:
- In the event of a confirmed alien invasion, a Randy Quaid sound bite from the 1996 film Independence Day will sound THREE times over the venues public address system; please see this file to familiarise yourself with this sound bite.
- STEP 1: ascertain the nature of the alien threat; no two alien invasions are the same and it is of utmost importance to establish the reason behind the invasion.
- STEP 2: once invasion type is evident, apply the relevant procedures as set out in Scenarios A-D
- STEP 3: assuming you are of sound mind to do so, make sure to capture as much footage of the invasion as possible; utilise your cell phone’s built-in camera (and not a potato) if necessary and then upload the footage to NAG’s YouTube channel. There is no such thing as bad publicity.
- STEP 4: make your way to the nearest emergency exits; exits are located on the east and west sides of the venue and are clearly marked with pictures of little white stick-men running in terror towards an open door. Be advised that the likelihood of the invading aliens using the main parking lot as a landing zone for their mothership is pretty high. With this in mind, taking the emergency exit to the east of the venue is probably not a good idea.
- STEP 5: run screaming to your vehicle and know that we really appreciate your support and look forward to welcoming you back next year at rAge!
Alien Invasion Scenarios and coupled evacuation procedures
The invading aliens are bipedal in nature and seem primarily concerned with capturing Earth’s women. Considering his recent appalling performance, it is unwise to assume Duke Nukem will be on the scene to set things straight, so make your way to the emergency exits located on the western side of the venue. DO NOT make use of the emergency exits on the eastern side of the venue, as they are right next to the largest of the women’s bathrooms and the likelihood of a concentration of aliens in this vicinity is exponentially greater. All women attendees are advised to keep low and move in groups of no less than eight.
The invading aliens are about fifty times larger than the venue and you get this overwhelming feeling to do whatever it is they want. There are also skinny, mechanical zombies running around making ghoulish noises and scratching people to death. Luckily the rAge expo organisers have planned ahead for this particular invasion scenario. All rAge swag bags have been manufactured with an internal layer of aluminium thereby making each bag an attendee’s Personal-Indoctrination-Prevention-Unit or PIPU (“pee-poo”) for short. The PIPU is designed to fit all human cranium sizes. (Note: if you are attending rAge with an infant, upon arrival kindly report to the Organiser’s Office to receive your complimentary PIPU-Junior swag bag.) Remember: always fit your own PIPU before assisting family and friends. To fasten the PIPU, pull the swag bag’s handles under your chin and tie in a double-knot – recent NASA research indicates that Reapers lack the opposable thumbs to untie double-knots, and Husks are probably too stupid to figure it out anyway. Once you have fitted your PIPU, make your way to the NAG stand where their helpful reps will issue you with an Omni-blade. Stop screaming like a girl, breathe deeply and take back Earth.
The alien invasion is preceded by a continual barrage of mortar-like fire that peppers the venue with large, cylindrical drop-pods that open at the top to allow three crab-like creatures to leap free. Note that these “crabs” will immediately try to burrow into the ground to lie in wait for unsuspecting hosts. As the venues floor is solid concrete, assume that the crabs will realise this and immediately begin pouncing at rAge attendees while issuing high-pitched screeching noises. It is important to note that the crabs are attempting to “couple” with attendees’ heads, but you are only in danger if you happen to be wearing blue jeans and a white shirt. Recent research indicates that women are immune to this specific alien attack. Kindly note: red crowbars are located next to all emergency exits.
The alien invasion is preceded by the venues floor becoming covered in a viscous purple layer of veiny slime. This organic substance will appear to “creep” across open ground and is capable of spreading rapidly. This phenomenon will be immediately followed by a massive wave of chitinous, quadruped aliens that are covered in blade-like spikes and razor sharp teeth. If Scenario D occurs, then know that the odds of your survival are extremely slim; you can, however, take comfort in the knowledge that you’ll die happy, surrounded by like-minded people and video games.