In the event of an unethical inter-species DNA program funded by some unscrupulous meta-tourism development program and/or random fissure in the time-space continuum resulting in a full-scale invasion of Cretaceous-period mega-reptiles with 65 million years of unsuppressed gut instinct, and a consequent planetary apocalypse of prehistoric proportions:
- The code phrase “CLEVER GIRL” will be broadcast over the venues public announcement system and visitors are to move, in herds, towards the nearest exit.
Pro Tip: Confirm that the code phrase was actually broadcast. Very legit scientific research has demonstrated a causal correlation between 72 hours of non-stop gaming, a diet consisting of mostly takeaway chicken kebabs and super-caffeinated energy drinks, and the sudden onset of delusional paranoid psychosis.
- Don’t panic. Your breathless shrieks and wildly flailing limbs and the heady odour of pheromones and ammonia emanating from your pants may attract predatory attention, and it’s not like any of that panic stuff can save you from becoming a novelty meat snack for a pair of velociraptors anyway.
Pro Tip: Encourage the people around you to panic instead by shouting, for example, “Dodgson, Dodgson, we’ve got Dodgson here!”. At this point, survival and tactical diversion are more or less exactly the same thing.
- CHECK THE VENDING MACHINES.
- Survey the environment for viable weapons. The point of this exercise is mostly to demonstrate that, in fact, there are no viable weapons against a threat of this magnitude.
Pro Tip: If, by some sadistic kink of coincidence or a contingent development of a classified government agency-sponsored experimental ops program, the dinosaurs are (additionally) weaponised – for example, armed with rocket-propelled tanks – consider the threat magnitude increased by a factor of at least three.
- Where conventional strategy fails, try unconventional strategy instead – it’s possible that you might be able to resolve the crisis with careful, conciliatory negotiation or offerings of friendship.
Pro Tip: Avoid problematic or potentially provocative subjects like prevailing asteroid and meteorite activity, crocodile handbags, and children’s shows featuring disempowered purple parodies of the real thing.