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Zombie outbreak

Zombie outbreak 2017-07-18T16:58:12+00:00

In the very unlikely event of a zombie* outbreak

STEP 1

Do not panic. Repeat, do not panic. Panic is a fight-or-flight response generated by the body’s sympathetic nervous system, which is part of the autonomic nervous system, which is part of the peripheral nervous system, which is attached to the nerves and ganglia of the brain

STEP 2

Do not attract attention to your brain. See above for more information.

PRO TIP

Make somebody else panic instead!

Step 3

You are now on your own. No, your friends are no longer your friends, because it’s pretty much inevitable that, at some point, you’re going to turn around and see one of your friends, his eyes yellow and mouth bloodied, bearing down on you with the remains of another one of your friends still clumped under his fingernails.

PRO TIP

Don’t actually tell anybody this until they’ve helped you get to safety. This may or may not involve asking somebody to stay behind under the pretence of getting tins of beans or petrol or something, but probably will. Should, really

Step 4

Depending on the contagion / accidentally leaked bioweapon responsible for the undead holocaust as well as prevailing atmospheric space-radiation levels and budget, the zombies may be slow or fast. It’s important to survey your environment for potential approach and escape routes, and plan accordingly.

PRO TIP

The LAN area is packed with hundreds/thousands of people, many of whom have not bathed for more than two days. This is what scientists call a “supermassive scent trap”. Use it to your advantage

Step 5

Although fully-automatic assault rifles and pump shotguns are recommended, it’s possible you might not have such items immediately to hand. Consider convenient substitutes instead.

PRO TIP

Chicken pitas, for example, have demonstrated 86% effectiveness at short to medium range against hideously reanimated corpses. Aim for the mouth or nose or finer sensibilities

Step 6

Under current zombie-preparedness ordinances, toilets, Volkswagen Golfs, and the closest Wimpy are classified as adequate temporary shelter. It’s important to remember, however, that once a horde of decomposing monsters hungering for the taste of human flesh begins to pound their fists on these structures in significant numbers, it may be time to relocate.

PRO TIP

Look around for fashion stores in the vicinity. Even zombies may be repelled by stone-washed jeans or bomber jackets

Step 7

Don’t get bitten. Just… don’t.

PRO TIP

We don’t even have a tip for this one. If the zombie virus doesn’t kill you, the bits of 2-day old chicken patty trapped in your attacker’s back molars probably will